90 Days on Testosterone
October 18th 2023 will mark three months on testosterone. To that end, it made sense to talk a bit about what changes have and haven’t happened, what the experience has been like, and some things that I’ve noticed along the way. It’s been really interesting to compare and contrast with my friends, both men and women, that have gone or are also undergoing their first year on HRT. It is my hope that by demystifying some of these things it will make it easier to talk about.
I do anticipate that this will be a longer bit of writing since one of the most prominent things that I’ve noticed in the last three months is an increased capacity to manage, and interpret, my emotions, thoughts, etc. We’ll circle back to that though. Let’s rewind to July first.
My first shot of T was on July 18th 2023 after an embarrassingly long time trying to make compromises with myself to “not be a boy.” There are a lot of reasons that I continued to put it off, one of the big ones of these being staunch denial. It took about a year after coming out before starting T. One part of this was also that a family member that I love dearly asked me to give it six more months to see if it changed “out of respect” for him.
I’m still a bit confused about the request over a year out especially since I had already put off HRT for something to the tune of 12 years, but I’d already waited until my 30’s so I figured it wouldn’t be the end of the world if it helped my family come to grips with the situation. That still seems up in the air, and I have some feelings about it, but none strong enough to say that I regret waiting the extra six months. Those months felt more like an interest payment after waiting as long as I had to deal with the situation anyway.
I had to lay on the table and be dizzy and nauseous from the first shot. I point-blank didn’t handle needles at that time. All said though it took less than a month before I was managing my shot myself without nausea or anxiety unless I really just…am bad at injections that day. It took a few tries to figure out how to sit to get my leg to plush out in a way that made piercing my skin easier in spite of the fact that I still get a bit tense.
The main thing that stuck with me for that first month was that Tuesday-Thursday I was HUNGRY. So so so hungry for anything. I joked that I was eating on a Hobbit schedule. Breakfast, second breakfast, elevensies, luncheon, dinner, supper, the whole nine. It seemed almost as though if I didn’t eat every 2-3 hours that I would get almost physically sick from hunger. There were very real concerns about how in the heck we would afford to keep me fed, but thankfully the hunger settled down after the first sixish weeks. I still eat a bit more than I used to, but it’s not anything like it was for a couple weeks there.
During those first few weeks another interesting thing that happened was bottom growth. Now, this one has surprised a lot of folks for how early it comes on and I’ve noted that a lot of my friends weren’t even aware it was a thing. Heck, I didn’t know how early all of that started until shortly before since most of the resources I’ve found were written by transwomen who don’t deal with this particular part of the trans experience for the fellas that take testosterone.
The sensitivity started about eight days in and was surprising for a few days. For a bit there if I sat wrong it would rub things and generally be distracting.That was another thing that made sense quickly to my brain and after a couple weeks everything in the nethers settled into what the new normal would be. This change, to my understanding, isn’t done yet. But seems to have reached a point where it’s not really a conscious thing to note.
Going into the 6-8 week mark I began to notice fewer headaches, less body pain, and less fatigue. For years and years if I felt things “too strongly” it would give me a headache or make me tired. Imagine for a moment thinking a joke is funny, and then getting a headache from laughing. I’m sure it’s happened to more people than not at one point or another.
That was nearly every day. For years. Something stressed me out? Time for a headache. Friend made me laugh? Time for a headache. Crying and sad? Let’s add on some pain for it. Excited for plans? How about we have a migraine about it? That food tastes really good? Have some light sensitivity.
Until it started to go away I didn’t even realize how often I had been tolerating headaches from low-high. We used to buy pain meds in bulk because I needed them more days of the week than not. Like, I still have a degenerative disease that causes pain, but it’s so much less than it used to be.
My energy levels are a lot higher now. I don’t have to choose between laundry and showering anymore. I can take care of myself daily. I haven’t had to make deals with my depression as often as I used to. For example, I brush my teeth daily. Before T I still brushed my teeth daily, but I didn’t always have the energy to even put toothpaste on the brush. That has only happened once in the last three months. ONCE!
Having the energy to keep my surroundings cleaner and actually care about myself has been such a strange feeling. Sometimes it feels like I woke up here and that whole years of my life are just blurry from not wanting to be part of my own life. I talk to my family and friends more now. Where my transfem friends often say that they felt like they couldn’t reach their emotions mine often felt more like drowning in them. I can’t count the number of hours that I would lay in bed as a teen and young adult and depersonalize everything about myself so that I wouldn’t feel it.
I was a cutter. It made it so that I couldn’t focus on my thoughts. It wasn’t healthy for me. Looking back it was such a strange dichotomy when I was 16-22. I was a desperate over achiever. Nothing less than perfect was good enough. I exerted myself in a ton of extra-curriculars, had friends, sunk time into things that were “good for college” and wanted to die every step of the way.
It took a few tries to come out first as bi, for some reason people just really thought it was a phase? Or that I just…really admired some of the girls I liked. I don’t know when anymore, but I know that I eventually tried on the label of non-binary and it soothed the situation for a while. I’m not saying that non-binary folks are confused. I’m also not one to say being bi is a phase or a stepping stone. I appreciate all of the enby folks out there that allowed me to suss out my own situation without the judgment and gatekeeping I’ve experienced from some of my other LGBTQ+ peers.
To the person at the only pride I attended back in 2010 that said, “straight acting bis don’t have a place here.” I hope you stub your middle toe. I’ve still never gone back to a pride event after that. I don’t know if I will.
A few other things have started in this 8-12 week mark. My voice has started to slip a little. I notice it more at work, but I have to speak from a different place now. There isn’t a tremendous external change, but my throat feels different when I speak and a couple of people have been present for the start of a couple cracks.
This is probably one of the things I am most excited for. Time and again I have successfully been referred to by my preferred pronouns by strangers…until I open my mouth. The deluge of apologies before they start referring to me as a girl again is always really awkward to navigate. There are very few people in life that I’ve met that are malicious on purpose. And these surface interactions aren’t malicious to me. Just tiring. One day they will be less and less common.
I also shaved my face for the first time. I by no means have a beard, but I do have about a dozen or so hairs coming in on my chin and neck that were not there before, so that change is coming. At the time of writing this I am still so afraid that I’m going to cut myself. The chin is a challenge. It’s like having a narrower knee on your face with softer skin. Which, speaking of skin. The acne. Not loving it. I did not miss the zits on my arms from my teen years.
My scent has also started to change some. A few weeks ago I woke up because, as my brain put it, “there’s something smelly here.” It was me. I was smelly. The deodorant swap seems to be going well, but I did have to leave gel deodorants behind as none seemed to be able to keep up.
I’ll stop here for now so this doesn’t get too long, but to recap. My physical, emotional, and mental changes feel positive and intuitive. I feel stronger, healthier, and I can actually feel things without needing to take a break to cope with feeling things. Being able to laugh and talk with my friends without needing to just…walk away and decompress constantly has left me feeling like I don’t know what to do with myself sometimes. I still catch myself trying to stop myself from reacting to things people say, but it’s happening a bit less as time goes on.
I’m less angry. I have time to think about things without getting overwhelmed by whatever negative feelings are happening. I have time to process my feelings instead of needing to do it in ten second bursts over the course of multiple exhausting days. My headaches are less frequent. I go out more. I have more energy. It seems like I actually get to live my life instead of doing everything I can to distance myself from it. I actually look at myself in the mirror now and get excited about clothes that I want and I feel invested in my hobbies and work in a way that I never did before. I’m looking forward to see what the rest of this transitioning process will look like for me and what other things I’ll learn!
I hope that some of this may have helped with understanding some of the reasons folks have behind transitioning. I know that for some reason a lot of people view it as a sex thing or as an illness. I really can’t stress enough how ill I was BEFORE I started HRT compared to where I am now. If I were diabetic people would want me to get my sugar levels corrected. I’m not really sure why getting my hormone levels corrected is such an issue.